All Bark
by Annilus
Summary: What's a chipped vampire to do, but annoy his arch enemy to death?


"And then I told the Gerkash demon 'if you want my heart, you'd better take me out to dinner first!'. He didn't seem to like that much; ponce was so flustered he practically tripped and fell into my fist face-first!" said a platinum-haired, leather-clad vampire, sitting up high on a tree looking down towards the blonde girl surrounded by fledgling vampires.

"C'mon Slayer, at least give me a lip curl for that one! One of my best stories, that was."

Buffy only replied with a glare, before turning and staking the vampire to her left.

Spike had decided that regaling the Slayer with tales of his past as she did her job would be his new favourite pastime, considering the chip in his head didn't allow him much else. Fists and fangs weren't the only weapons in the master vampire's repertoire – in some ways, his bark really was worse than his bite.

"Hey, have I ever told you about the one with Dru and braille? God, that one's a right riot, it was-"

Spike twitched his head to the right as a stake whizzed by and embedded into the bark.

"Aim's a little off, Slayer. Vampires're like humans; heart's in the chest, not the head."

Buffy swept the last vampire off his legs and pummeled his head deep into the ground.

"See that vampire there? That's what I'm going to do to you if you don't shut the hell up!" said a seething Buffy, chest heaving and bloody fists clenched in anger. Spike only smirked, pleased at the result of his vocal ministrations.

Noticing the vampire with his head in the ground still writhing around, he tossed the Slayer back her stake and, oddly enough, enjoyed the sight of her dusting one of his kin. Something about the Slayer doing her thing got the chipped vampire all hot and bothered, which slightly disturbed him. Not all that surprising, though – no denying the lithe blonde was a sexy little thing.

The vampire's lewd stare and teeth tonguing quickly got to Buffy, a look of disgust plastering her features. "God, I hate you."

"Ditto."

She turned and strode away from the cemetery, wanting to be as far away from the cause of constant annoyance as possible.

Feeling satisfied with today's progression of his new-found hobby of making the Slayer go stir-crazy, Spike retired to his crypt with a grin and a hum.

* * *

"And then, as she was rubbing the pages with her fingers, whinging about one thing or another, eyes fast tight like she actually was blind – quite the sight that was! Took all my will to not burst out laughing 'n make her mad – well, already was mad, I s'pose."

Another night, another attack of a verbal nature. Such was Buffy's life after letting Spike free from captivity – something she was sorely regretting.

"Spike, please. I'm asking nicely. Stop?"

"I would, luv, but you're just too _cute_ when you're mad."

That look of disgust Buffy curated especially for Spike donned her face again, and that Cheshire grin of his grew as a result.

"C'mon luv, you know you like having me around to keep you company during these _long, exhausting_ nights," Spike rolled his words seductively, eyebrows raised suggestively, languid form ready to pounce at any sign of weakness.

"The only thing _long_ and _exhausting_ is your banter, Spike," Buffy replied with a huff.

Recoiling in fake hurt, Spike curled his lips in an exaggerated pout.

"Slayer, you wound me. If you just gave me a chance, I could show you what's really _long_ , and sure to _exhaust_."

"Eww, pig." Buffy scrunched her nose up, no doubt picturing his innuendo.

"You know what, okay. Let's make a deal." Coming to a stop, Buffy placed her hands on her hips and leaned against a nearby mausoleum wall, shooting Spike a menacing, all-business look.

"If you're willing to stop blabbing constantly while I'm on patrol, I will do anything you want"- intensifying her glare at Spike's crotch-grab-"that's **not** sexual."

"Love, you just took all the _fun_ out of it," Spike sneered, emphasizing his sexual gesture. "Sure you don't wanna...reconsider?"

Buffy just rolled her eyes, crossed her arms, and tapped her foot in response.

"I'm not gonna wait all night Spike, got spookies to kill." Clucking, Buffy shifted her gaze to the ground and mumbled, "not even sure why I'm making a deal with a _vampire_ , for chrissakes. Just dust you and be over with it."

"I heard that, Slayer. Alright, then...we'll do it your way. Hmm, let...me...think..." Spike's voice dripped with mischief as he walked towards Buffy, stopping just short of a collision. "You know what, I just had the _greatest_ idea."

Buffy felt a little uncomfortable at their closeness; if vampires had breath, she'd be feeling it on her face right now. Nonetheless, she stood her ground, returning his gaze unflinchingly.

She smirked when she saw his mouth open and close as hesitation flicked across his face, and chided, "what, the big bad vampire, lord of all talk and no walk, can't even do the one thing he's good at?"

Spike's eyes turned dark at her remark, and any previous hesitation was now gone when he pressed his hands against the wall behind her, positioning his body over her small frame, and leaned in to whisper in her ear, "just once, Slayer. One taste of your sweet, dripping cunny, one round of burying my cock in you up to the hilt as you scratch my back and scream my name as you cum—" Buffy shoved him backwards before he could finish his sentence, fury filling her emerald eyes as she sent a flurry of attacks. Spike dodged them all, laughing uproariously at her reaction; just what he was going for. Buffy was beyond flustered; pink-tinged cheeks, heaving chest, a look that could kill – he could get his rocks off just watching her.

"Is that all you got, Slayer? Thought I was all talk and no walk; guess that was the pot calling the kettle black, hmm?" Spike goaded, pleased at her increasingly furious reaction. If only he could fully participate in their deadly dance like he used to, to retaliate in kind with fists and fangs; alas, dipping and dodging was the closest he could get. Even so, the thrill of impending death made him feel more alive than he'd felt in months.

A heavy right knee from Buffy connected with Spike's gut, causing him to double forward in pain. Being unable to fight back due to the chip, Spike gritted his teeth and took a ferocious left hook to the noggin, causing his knees to wobble. Before he could fall, Buffy lifted him up and pushed him backwards before sending a roundhouse-kick to his head. Spike spun from the force of the kick before falling onto his back. Buffy wasn't done with him; she knelt down and dealt alternating hooks to his face, bloodying and puffing and breaking what she came into contact with. By the time she was done, Spike was left a crumpled mess; still, a wild grin held his features, infuriating Buffy further.

Instead of staking him then and there, Buffy leaned in to his ear and whispered, "if I see you again, I won't hesitate to kill you."

As Buffy stormed off, Spike could only chuckle.

'I'm so fucked,' he thought; there was no way he could stay away.

* * *

 **A\N: Just throwing this note out here: This has been on my pc for a while, kinda forgot I wrote it, figured I'd yolo submit it anyways. Don't really plan on writing more chapters unless this gets attention, so if you guys actually are interested in it and wanna see more, review and let me know.**


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